DRESSED IN ALL BLUE

I don’t really know how to write this, but I’ve needed to for a while. There is too much to say, but I’ll do my best to summarize.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. It’s been a self perpetuating cycle of being unable to communicate, resulting in further isolation. It has affected my ability to be as close to family as I want, to form friendships, and develop any sort of romantic relationships. In 2017, I had a significant break though bordering miraculous and began to find my voice for the first time. Through what felt like radical vulnerability at the time, my friendships deepened, my relationship with my family became stronger, and I found a sense of purpose in creating that I had never had previously. But it was delicate and I wasn’t careful to guard my progress.

The beginning of 2020 was the most hopeful I had ever felt in my entire life. I was doing well at my job, starting this company, and seeing someone I was excited about. But by March, my anxieties and inability to communicate effectively caused the end of that new relationship, and COVID lockdowns made any sort of reconciliation impossible. The rejection and lack of agency I felt caused a relapse in depression that spiraled uncontrolled. It was the straw that broke the camels back and brought up every disappointment I had ever felt and never had the tools to deal with. It painted my life-story with grief and I let it consume me.

Over the summer, I stopped being able to care for myself. I lost 30 pounds I didn’t have to lose. I was reliving parts of my life I had forgotten and trying to rewrite conversations in my head until I was in tears every day. I was writhing in my bed from mental pain that was manifesting as physical pain throughout my entire body. It felt like I had been physically set on fire, an unquenchable immolation of the soul. On days I felt lucid or normal as possible, I would half heartedly send emails to denim suppliers and work on our design. Chris and I built a website, took photos, and with the support of our friends and family we got our first orders. The project became a welcome distraction from what was constant suicidal ideation otherwise. I finished the first 10 jackets in my garage though tears, wishing I could feel any sense of accomplishment or joy.

With the distraction gone, I ended up the hospital twice in the winter of 2020/2021 for suicidal ideation and intent. After those episodes, I moved to Austin TX to be near some friends and get a change of pace I desperately needed. The project continued with a new sense of vision as I focussed on recovering. My blue denim jacket became a symbol of my resilience despite my sadness and I wore it every day I could. The process of trying to heal was painful, and incomplete. I tried everything from antidepressants to psychedelics, talking to Drs and Therapists. Doing the personal work to try and recover aspects of my life I had let go was slow and painful. I quietly rebuilt my life in another city, but I quickly ran into myself again.

In July 2023, Issues at work reinvigorated anxieties about my how I felt about myself, which creeped into a relationship once again and I ended up losing someone I had really loved being with. My work suffered more and I was let go. The attempt to reconcile the relationship left it in a place that has affected me so deeply I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. In the same week, my manufacture got a large contract that he abandoned his small clients for. All communication stopped and the project I’m launching now was killed at the 5 yard line. It was like a bomb had gone off and my ears were ringing. I lost everything I had rebuilt in the last two years in one week.

I wanted nothing more than to give up. The insurmountable pain of what felt like a re-run brought me to what felt like the lowest point of my life. I was abusing alcohol and self medicating daily and struggling again with self harm. I fell into debt supplementing my income between jobs, and had to move out of my apartment. When you’ve experienced it before, you can feel this kind of entropy on your life, pulling you towards the bottom.

I had a dream one night last September. I was fighting with a bear with no effect. It was the perfect allegory for what I was feeling. I felt like I had this enemy that was tearing my life apart and it couldn’t be defeated. I woke up that morning realizing that I needed to get stronger if I was going to go rounds with the bear every day. Physically and mentally I focused on doing the hard things regardless of how I felt. Trying to be as disciplined as I could, I started to paint my story with resilience instead of grief. Instead of focusing on what had happened, I was finally able steer my focus to what I was doing about it. Over the course of the last year, I’ve transformed my life with small consistent changes. Things are still rocky, but I have a new job, a new place, and a perspective on my life that I wouldn’t have gotten any other way. I wish it felt better, I wish I knew how to deal with the grief of it all, but in the meantime, the ability to keep going while the coals cool down has to be good enough.

A few months ago, I got a call from Greg, “The Denim Hound”. We hadn’t really spoken since everything unfolded last year. He basically called to tell me he still believed in what we were working on, and asked me what I thought we could do. Piecing together vendors to do what we needed, we rebuilt what we had started from scratch with almost nothing. We finished in three months what it took three years to develop and I am so proud of what we were able to do.

Denim is and always has been a symbol of hard work. This project has always been about the people who get up every day and do the hard things. I’ve had to learn first hand just how much effort it takes to make something great when you don’t feel like it and don’t believe you can go on another day. I’ve worked two to three jobs and worked 80+ hour weeks to get here, and I’ve poured out everything that was left to get this back online. Tomorrow my bank account is going to bounce. But I’ll be up in the morning, dressed in all blue, passing out resumes, and keeping this going. Even if it’s just one day at a time.

Thank you to everyone believed in me when I didn't.